Asking Eric: Relationship between younger man and older woman tempts gossips

Dear Eric, I have been a widow for nearly three years. About a year ago, I began dating a man who is significantly younger than me. We were close platonic friends for over a decade before our romantic involvement, and he was actually a dear friend of my late husband. We took the time to discuss the potential impact on our long-standing friendship if the romantic side didn't work out, so this is definitely not a 'Boy Toy' situation.

He has always carried himself with a maturity beyond his years, while I tend to look younger than my actual age. He has no concerns about our age gap and often reassures me that we don't even appear to have one. My dilemma is that I live in a small, rural community where everyone knows everyone's business. While we have kept our dates out of town until now, I am ready to stop hiding our relationship.

Since the locals know my age and have only ever seen me with my late husband, I am bracing for nosy questions. I want to respond in a way that is polite but firm, signaling that my private life is not up for discussion. I don't feel the need to justify our relationship, yet I don't want to be rude. What is a clever way to handle questions like, 'How old is he?'

A Word of Advice

Dear Not Your Stereotypical Cougar, you could try responding with, 'He’s old enough to make his own decisions.' Alternatively, you might say, 'If you want to know how old he is, you should ask him. If you have another question, you should ask that directly.' These might sound a bit sharp, but remember, you may be bracing for a fight that never actually happens. Sometimes, the most effective solution is simply deciding that other people's opinions are not your concern.

It is understandable that you don't want to be the subject of gossip, but you risk robbing yourself of joy by dedicating mental energy to questions that haven't even been asked yet. You cannot control the minds of others, and there is true liberation in letting that go. I wish you the very best.

Boundaries in Recovery

Dear Eric, I am in a 12-step program that values anonymity and confidentiality, but I feel my sponsor, 'Sally,' broke that trust. During a recent meeting, she used her time to share, in graphic detail, that another sponsee of hers appeared to be relapsing. The group of 15 people, including myself, knew exactly who she was talking about. I have lost trust in her and no longer feel safe sharing my own struggles, especially since I have witnessed her gossiping about other members before.

Dear Overshared, I agree that Sally should have sought guidance from her own sponsor before potentially crossing a line into gossip. If Sally's behavior has become an obstacle to your own recovery, you should feel empowered to seek a new sponsor, whether temporarily or permanently. When you speak to her about your concerns, focus on your own experience by saying, 'This is what I heard, and this is what I feel, so this is what I’m going to do to address those feelings.' This keeps the focus on your personal growth rather than trying to fix someone else.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.