Dear Abby: Years of verbal abuse have left me feeling mentally battered and ashamed
A wife says her husband is controlling, frequently criticizes and humiliates her, and refuses counseling. She is struggling with the emotional toll and worries about the example this sets for her granddaughters.
Liam Carter 
After four decades of marriage, a reader writes in to 205focus.com expressing deep distress over a relationship defined by persistent verbal abuse and control. The reader, identifying as 'Yelled at in Texas,' describes a husband who demands perfection, demands things be done solely his way, and resorts to public humiliation.
The Hidden Toll of Verbal Abuse
While the reader acknowledges that her husband contributes to household chores—even noting he helps with cooking, laundry, and cleaning—the psychological impact of his behavior has become unbearable. The reader reports feeling 'mentally and verbally battered' and is particularly concerned about the example these outbursts set for her granddaughters.
Despite the long history of the marriage, the situation has begun to take a physical toll. The reader notes that the stress of the relationship has contributed to high blood pressure, requiring medication. When she attempts to address the behavior by citing her own upbringing, her husband dismisses her concerns, claiming she was raised in a 'make-believe world.'
Expert Advice on Moving Forward
Abigail Van Buren identifies the dynamic as gaslighting and stresses that domestic contributions, such as chores, do not justify or excuse verbal abuse. Because the husband refuses to attend marriage counseling, the advice is clear: the reader should seek out a therapist independently.
Going to therapy alone can provide the reader with essential tools to prioritize her physical health, manage the stress caused by the environment, and navigate the ongoing dysfunction at home.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
