Asking Eric: Widowed aunt makes huge demands on family

Dear Eric: How can I lovingly set boundaries with an aging, widowed and childless aunt who is seeking more connection but whose long-standing self-centered behavior—dominating conversations, disregarding others’ needs, and making unrealistic emotional demands—has exhausted much of the extended family?

For the past decade, I have been her primary support, assisting her through her husband’s lengthy illness, his passing, and her own recent health struggles. She is sensitive, lonely, and lacks self-awareness, yet she constantly requires priority attention. She works with a therapist but tends to endlessly cycle through life decisions with friends and family alike. Furthermore, she resists moving to a continuing care community and her demands have strained her friendships.

She often feels alienated from family gatherings, despite historically showing little interest in visiting our area. Because her siblings avoid direct confrontation regarding her burnout-inducing behavior, she turns to me to ask why she isn't more integrated into the family. How can I help her understand that these patterns are isolating her without causing unnecessary hurt, guide her toward practical decisions, and encourage her to become a more reciprocal family member?

The Response

Dear Family: You are shouldering more responsibility than necessary for your aunt’s emotional intelligence. It is not your role to teach her how to relate to others, and your continued efforts may be inadvertently disempowering her. You can offer a helping hand, but she must be the one to take the steps forward.

Be direct about your own capacity. You might tell her, “I want to support your plans for a move, but I don’t have the bandwidth to keep discussing it. Let’s talk about how I can assist once you’ve made a decision.” Regarding her distance from other relatives, encourage her to speak with them directly, and firmly state that being placed in the middle is putting a strain on your relationship.

A Different Perspective

Dear Eric: I am a 65-year-old widow with two adult sons. One lives far away, while the other is local. While I try to give them space, I find myself lonely and sad that they don't call more often. I assume they are just busy, but I struggle with the fear that they don't like me. Would it be wrong to tell them that I am lonely and would value more frequent contact?

Dear Mom: Please share your feelings with your sons. Healthy, honest communication is a gift. They may have hectic lives, but you are a vital part of them. They would likely be saddened to know you were hurting in silence. Try setting up a regular phone date; it provides something to look forward to and might even motivate you as you work to expand your own social circle.

Read more from Asking Eric and check out other advice columns here at 205focus.com.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.