Asking Eric: Concerns about son‑in‑law’s anger

Dear Eric, on a recent visit to my daughter’s home, I discovered the drywall in her house had been repaired on both sides of a wall. My daughter admitted her husband caused the damage during an angry outburst, though she was quick to assure me he had never laid a hand on a person. As a grandmother who provides regular overnight childcare for their toddler, I am deeply unsettled by his escalating behavior.

I feel caught in a trap: if I voice my concerns to my daughter, I fear she will tell her husband, potentially jeopardizing my access to my grandchild. I have witnessed his inappropriate anger directed at others, but this is the first time I have seen it manifest as property damage. How do I navigate this?

Addressing the Danger

Dear Quandary, you are right to be worried. Even without physical violence toward your daughter, these outbursts create an unstable and dangerous environment for her, your grandchild, and even you when you stay overnight. You must prioritize your safety.

Start by having a nonjudgmental conversation with your daughter. To help her recognize she may be in an abusive situation, she needs to trust you as a stable resource. It may be a slow process, but you can find guidance on how to facilitate these talks through The National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If he attempts to restrict your access to your grandchild, recognize that isolation is a classic sign of emotional abuse. Encourage your daughter to create a safety plan, and remind her that she does not have to carry this burden alone.

Managing a Partner's Rage

Dear Tired of the Rage, your situation sounds incredibly taxing. You mentioned that your husband’s anger, exacerbated by his health journey and a background of family dysfunction, has manifested into terrifying road rage that has effectively restricted your lives. It is clear this is placing a significant strain on your mental health and your marriage.

First, protect yourself: stop getting into a vehicle where he is the driver. Have a frank conversation about how his behavior makes you feel unsafe. In the short term, if you must travel together, you should be the one behind the wheel.

You also need personal support. Are you in counseling? Working through your own triggers privately is vital, and a counselor can help you find the words to set firm boundaries regarding what you will no longer tolerate. Ask your husband what his actual therapeutic goals are and if he has benchmarks for his progress in counseling.

Finally, consider resources for the emotional impact of serious illness. Your husband may find value in a support group through CancerCare.org, which also offers resources for family members dealing with the aftermath of a cancer diagnosis.

Stay Connected

Read more from the Asking Eric column and explore other advice columns on 205focus.com.

Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or mail them to P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. You can also follow him on Instagram or sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.