Asking Eric: Friends split over restraining order

Dear Eric: A friendship spanning 30 years has hit a wall. During a group dinner, a close friend announced plans to pursue a restraining order against someone accused of harassment and stalking. I play volleyball weekly with that same person, who occasionally attempts to discuss my friend during our games. I consistently shut down those conversations and distance myself from the drama, but he has never admitted to any misconduct to me.

When she requested supporting declarations from everyone at the dinner, I declined. As a lawyer with four decades of experience in the field, I knew my statement would not help her case because I lacked personal, firsthand knowledge of the alleged stalking. She reacted by telling me I was no longer her friend and cutting ties. I was blindsided; I firmly believe my choice of volleyball partners is my own business. While I previously offered to help her draft the legal application and hope she finds success, I am currently at a loss on how to handle her anger.

Dear Shocked Friend: If you truly possess extensive experience with restraining orders, it is surprising that you haven't realized how your volleyball acquaintance has dragged you into this situation. By your own admission, you know there is a conflict, yet you continue to interact with him. That closeness makes your refusal to support your friend feel particularly cold.

Your friend isn't asking you to be a judge; she is expressing the genuine fear that comes with being stalked. By prioritizing your volleyball matches, you are downplaying those valid concerns. If you hope to salvage this relationship, you need to recognize that she is not looking for a legal drafter right now—she is looking for a friend. Consider offering an apology, and ask yourself why you remain loyal to someone you are willing to help your friend file a legal action against.

Navigating Dormant Friendships

Dear Eric: I am a married man in my early 40s with no children. While my wife excels at maintaining lifelong friendships despite distance and life changes, I find it much more difficult. Most of my closest buddies live far away, and since the pandemic, my once-larger local social circle has essentially evaporated.

My wife and parents frequently urge me to reach out to these old acquaintances, but I feel like we are on entirely different wavelengths now. I fear we have nothing left in common. Are these friendships lost, or are they simply dormant?

Dear Dormant Friend: You are not alone in this struggle. A 2024 study from the Survey Center on American Life noted that 17 percent of men report having no close friends, a trend fueled by the pandemic, social media, and the changing rhythms of modern life. However, connection is still possible.

It is never too late to reach out, and it is likely less awkward than you imagine. The key is to adjust your expectations. Do not go into a conversation hoping to recreate the past; instead, acknowledge that you have both grown into different people. This mindset provides the space to build something new. Friendships can absolutely wake up from their dormant state, but you have to be willing to initiate the process.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.