Asking Eric: Husband’s lingering ties to toxic ex strain long marriage
A devoted wife questions whether she must keep tolerating her husband’s lingering loyalty to his toxic ex and failure to stand up for her after decades of strain.
Liam Carter 
In this edition of Asking Eric, R. Eric Thomas tackles two difficult reader dilemmas: a marriage strained by a husband's lingering connection to a toxic ex and a couple grappling with how to handle their adult children's lack of independence.
A Marriage Strained by Past Loyalties
A reader who has been married for over 33 years reached out seeking advice on her husband's ongoing relationship with his ex-wife. Despite building a life together, the reader shares that her husband's ex-wife consistently undermined their family dynamic, even threatening the reader's life in the past. Even after their son passed away at 21 following a struggle with drug abuse, the ex-wife continues to make disparaging comments about the reader, which the husband consistently brushes off.
In his response, Thomas emphasizes that the husband has failed to set necessary boundaries or offer adequate support. While severing ties may not be the only path forward, the current dynamic is unsustainable. Thomas advises the reader to draw a firm line regarding her interaction with the ex-wife and suggests that more intensive marriage counseling—coupled with individual therapy to process the trauma of the past—is essential for moving forward.
Navigating the Future with Struggling Adult Children
Another reader, a parent of adult children, is struggling with a different kind of burden. Despite the parents' hard work and high expectations, their children are facing long-term struggles with health and substance abuse, resulting in a lack of financial responsibility or interest in pursuing careers. The parents feel exhausted, ashamed, and deeply worried about how their children will manage after they are gone.
Thomas suggests that the time for persuasion has passed. He advises the couple to stop focusing on changing their children's lifestyle and instead focus on protecting their assets. He recommends working with an estate lawyer to establish a trust with clear stipulations. Furthermore, Thomas encourages the parents to seek their own support, such as Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, to help distinguish between what they can control and what they must learn to accept.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
