Miss Manners: I asked my friend for a favor, then learned he’s grieving two recent deaths

Dear Miss Manners: I recently reached out to a friend who lives out of state to ask for a significant favor, communicating as we usually do via text. Shortly after sending the request, I discovered through social media that my friend is grieving the loss of two people in his life. While I immediately reached out to offer my condolences and support, I am now unsure how to proceed with my initial request.

Should I drop the matter entirely, or is there a standard waiting period for someone in mourning? The favor I requested is not urgent and can certainly wait.

Managing Requests During Grief

Gentle Reader: Before deciding your next move, the most considerate action is to release your friend from the pressure of responding to your original text. A message such as, “Please do not worry about responding to my request of yesterday,” provides him with relief without officially closing the door on your friendship.

This approach also gives you the freedom to seek an alternative solution if the favor is something someone else could handle. If you eventually decide to revisit the request, Miss Manners suggests waiting until your correspondence has returned to a normal rhythm—following several exchanges that mirror the tone of your relationship prior to his recent losses.

The Protocol of Death Announcements

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s close relative recently passed away, but we only learned of the death by chance through a social media post. We received no direct notification, phone call, or email. Because we rarely use social media, we almost missed the news entirely.

I felt it was insensitive for the family to rely on social media rather than notifying close relatives personally. Following an online wake, I messaged them to express my disappointment. They labeled my feedback rude and selfish, stating that as the organizers of the funeral, they were entitled to manage the announcements in a way that helped them process their grief. They have since blocked me, which is acceptable to me.

I maintain that there is no “easy” way to handle death, but the polite course of action is to inform those who care about the deceased directly. While I admit I perhaps should have kept my thoughts to myself—especially regarding in-laws—is it not fundamentally rude to omit direct communication for close family members?

A Lesson in Timing

GENTLE READER: One often finds themselves on shaky ground when attempting to claim the moral high ground immediately after committing the act of scolding chief mourners for their handling of funeral arrangements.

If you have a question for Miss Manners, you can send it via her website at missmanners.com, via email to dearmissmanners@gmail.com, or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.